The Lonely Lord of All Evil (Part One).

THE LONELY LORD OF ALL EVIL.


By D. Jonas Laurence.



Part One.


One day Satan found himself sitting on his red-hot throne (made from the bones of evil souls) staring into space, chin resting in his hand, elbow on his knee, and sighed a huge sigh of loneliness.
He looked around him. There was no one to talk to. His lap dogs were out chasing down unfortunates whose souls had been sold and needed to be collected.
His son was up on Earth studying art at some expensive university.
His vixens were getting their hair and make-up done and, anyway, Satan had come to think that maybe they only wanted him for his money (for Satan owned a heap of property on Manhattan island and the rent meant that he would never have to work again).
No, there was no one to talk to.
So Satan stood up and walked down to The Beginner’s Pool of Molten Lava. A couple of new souls were thrashing around in the burning lava, screaming as their skin burned and re-burned and burned some more.
“Hi.” Satan said. “We haven’t met properly but I’m Satan. I own this place.” He swept his arm around the walls of Hell.
“Ah, um,…how you guys doing?” He addressed the closer of the two burning souls. “You enjoying your stay? Can I get you anything? Coke? Mars bar ice-cream?”
But the burning soul just screamed some more.
Satan sighed again.
“Well,” he said, “if you need anything just let me know. Just remember you only have another thousand years of molten lava in The Beginner’s Pool. Then you can move on to The Intermediate Pool of Napalm. Keep your chin up eh?”
But the soul just screamed again and Satan turned back around as the soul’s eyes caught fire for about the fiftieth time.
“Don’t be a stranger.” Satan mumbled as he sauntered back down a path towards The Endless Pit and The Waterfall of Fire.
Satan came upon of couple of his Guardians of Hell.
“Alright Guardians of Hell,” he said giving a mock salute, “how’s it all going today. Everything going smoothly?”
But the Guardians of Hell just dropped to their knees in genuflection, kissing his sweaty red hooves.
“Master of All Evil.” Said one of them.
“Supreme Sorcerer of Mayhem.” Said the other one.
One began licking his hoof-nail. Satan had recently had a bout of fungus on his hooves and pulled his leg away in embarrassment.
“Damn it!” he said and stormed away back towards his throne, “is there no one to talk to in this Hellish place?”
No one answered him.
Typical.
So Satan sat back on his red-hot throne and reluctantly reached for the Special Phone.
He dialled one for Heaven’s switchboard.
“Hello Mr. Beelzebub,” a cheerful voice answered almost immediately, “we haven’t heard from you in quite some time. How is the weather in Hell?” then without waiting for an answer, “Hot I’m sure. Ha ha.”
Satan hated being called by his full name but kept his irritation in check.
“Hello Janine,” he said, trying to sound as friendly as possible because he had heard, from numerous sources, that if you got on Janine’s bad side she was known to put you on hold for eternity or longer, “how’s tricks?”
“Oh. Well. You know, I can’t complain Lucifer. Life is wonderful, as ever, in Heaven and we have all been blessed recently with such great people as Johnny Cash, James Brown, Syd Barrett, Jack Palance, Hunter S. Thompson, Richard Pryor, and, of course, Anna Nicole, to name but a few, so…you know, all is peachy.” She sounded happy that Satan had taken an interest.
“How can I help you today Ruler of Demons?”
“Oh well Janine I was wondering if I could talk to the big man’s son for a moment. If he’s not too busy of course…”
“Well I’ll quickly check for you Deceiver of Man.” Janine said cheerfully and Satan was put on hold.
He sat there listening to the hold muzak; which was a duet of the aforementioned Cash and Brown, a medley of everything from (I feel like being a) Sex Machine to The Beast in Me. Satan couldn’t help but tap his hoof in time with the Heavenly sounds.
“Hello? Antichrist?” Janine was back, “I’ll patch you through to The King of Kings.”
And then Jesus was on the line, his voice calm and magical.
“Satan my man,” he said, “long time no hear. What’s up dog?”
“Yeah, hi JC, sorry it’s been awhile, souls to give eternal suffering and all that.”
“I hear you ‘tan the man. Thanks for punishing all the assholes. We are eternally grateful for your clean-up job brother.”
“Well, you know JC, it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it.”
They both laughed for a moment and Satan was happy to have called. Talking to JC always cheered him up – if only a little.
“There was one thing I had to ask you though JC.” Satan said, serious now.
“Shoot.” Said the King of Israel.
“How do I stop being lonely?” Satan blurted out, “JC? I’m so lonely. I have no one to talk to. No one…” and then, although he hadn’t meant to, Satan began blubbering like a little girl with a skinned knee.
“Hey. Whoa. Red man. Calm down.” Jesus said, obviously a little shocked at The Lord of All Evil’s emotional outpouring.
“Hey there ‘tan. Don’t worry. I think I know what you need. Just listen to this…”
And so Satan did listen, wiping tears from his eyes, sniffling a little, until he had heard Jesus’s plan. And then his tears stopped, and his sniffling too, and he sat up straighter in his throne and said, “Damn it JC! You hit the nail on the head. You the man…”
“I know dog. I know.” Said the Son of God.
And so that was how Jesus ended up taking Satan up to Earth and registering him at
MEET PEOPLE Dating Agency…


THE END.


Please read more of the adventures of The Lonely Lord of All Evil and JC in Part Two. Out next week!