The Man In The Drain

Before todays story I will just tell you about something that happened last night. I was out drinking with a friend of a friend. She was drunk and some how started talking to a group of black people. Now, living in Munich, there are a low number of black people if you compare the city with London for example. But, so, anyway I said hello and where are you guys from etc. But they were so convinced (for some reason) that I was going to be racist that everything I said they turned into something it was not. When I said "How are you?" one lady said, "What you think just because we are black that we are not okay?!"
When I said "Where do you come from?" one lady said "Oh I don't know my mother had sex with so many people I don't know where I am from." as if I was insinuating something like that.
Every fucken thing I said was twisted around until they could almost accuse me of saying something I wasn't.
In the end I just said,
"Fuck you guys."
and drank my beer in peace.

So here is a story for today.




THE MAN IN THE DRAIN.


By D. Jonas Laurence



Over the months and years that he had lived in his small, run-down, apartment, ---- took a lot of showers. Numerous. In fact one a day, sometimes two a day if he felt like it.
And ----, like most other men of his age, used his showers as a place to;

a) Clear his throat of excess phlegm and/or mucus
b) Clear his nose of excess snot and/or mucus
c) Clean his ears
d) Pee
e) Masturbate
f) Vomit (usually after excessive drinking)
g) Shit (usually an accident and usually after excessive drinking)
h) Squeeze boils and/or pimples
i) Trim toe and fingernails
j) Shave pubes and other unwanted hairs

And so, after months and years, you can imagine how much of all the above had built up inside ----‘s drain.
And a freak occurrence occurred one day that made this build-up of scum come to life and wreak havoc and mayhem at every available moment.
For one day ----‘s cousin and his wife and daughter were in town for a meeting of some sort, something to do with the strange church they went to, and, after the long drive, they had asked ---- if they could possibly use his bathroom to get freshened up before they went to their meeting.
---- was not working at the time and had not minded them using his apartment for an hour of so. After all they were family – no matter how distant or strange they were.
So on one fateful afternoon they had arrived at ----‘s apartment. ---- was amazed to see how old his cousin and wife had grown, but was even more amazed at how old their daughter had become. Was it really that long since he had seen them?
His cousin’s daughter was now twelve years old, and the last time ---- had seen her she was six months old.
My, isn’t it strange how time could just slip on by…
So the cousin and wife had quick showers, combed their hair, put on their church going clothes, poured cologne and perfumes on themselves until they stunk like skunks.
Then it was the daughter’s turn. She was obviously not excited at the prospect on spending an evening with her parents at a church meeting, and slunk into the bathroom slowly before slamming the door and locking it.
Thirty minutes later her parents were banging on the door and finally, after much shouting, the mother was allowed to go into the bathroom.
Another twenty minutes went by, murmurings could be heard, until they both left the bathroom.
---- was thanked for allowing them to use his apartment and then they were gone in a chorus of promises to see one another soon.
---- went back to watching television and that would have been that except for a couple of freakish coincidences.
You see what ---- did not know was that the daughter had just had her first period in his shower (hence the conference with her mother) and that the planets just happened to be in some sort of special alignment that gave power to the blood of the virgin woman.
So as her blood had flowed down the drain it had come into contact with the build-up of ----‘s shower habits and had somehow given life to this ball of piss, shit, come, vomit, hair and toenail cheese.
And this ball had awoken as if from a long sleep and had found itself trapped in the drain and it had begun to strengthen and attempt to free itself.
And all the time ---- just went about his normal, everyday, life – oblivious to the thing that was gaining power with each moment, and gaining power with each new ingredient added to it’s strange mix by the daily showering of ----.

And so, one day, while ---- was showering, peeing absentmindedly on himself, the drain burst upwards with tremendous force. It knocked ---- off his feet and his head hit the edge of the bathtub with a loud “clunk!”.
And then the thing made of shit, puke, pus, jism, pubes and ass dreadlocks was free.
And it looked down at the unconscious ---- before it.
And then it stretched and undulated into various shapes until it found one that it was happy with.
And then it looked down at ---- once more and decided what to do.
And then it did it.

So now the thing lives a happy life.
It is not it’s life but it is a good life. It is happy that ---- is not around anymore and that it could change it’s form to look exactly like him and then take over his life.
I know that it is happy because I am it.
I am the thing that came from the drain.
And there is one thing for sure, next time a cousin, or aunty, or nephew, or brother, wants to use the apartment I am going to say no.
I mean I have fixed the bathtub, fixed the large hole, but that is not the point.
For it could just happen that the planets are some how aligned in a very special way, and it could just happen that a virgin bleeds in the shower…and I can not have the blood giving life to things that are dead.
You see…
I have a man in my drain.


THE END.